When someone wrongs me, whether it’s something slight like a driver cutting me off in traffic or something severe like a break in relationship, I want back what was taken. I don’t naturally enjoy forgiving people. I often would rather not show mercy at all. I want back my pride, the ease of friendship, a good reputation, the opportunity to succeed, the promise of love. And often I would like a little interest too, like a dinner, flowers, a kind note of apology.
When I pause and read what I’ve just written, I don’t like it. I wish I had written, “I love to forgive! Cut me off in traffic, and I will bless you! I overflow with grace!” Instead I struggle to set people free who owe me, especially if the debt is deep. I feel the pull between the old me who demands retribution and the new me who longs to love like God.
And I don’t think I’m alone. I think all of us, as broken humanity, struggle to have a heart that actually delights to forgive. Who wants to joyfully grant grace to the parent who was never there? Or the co-worker who betrayed you? The husband who left? The friend who turned on you? The prodigal child who ran away? While we may know we ought to forgive, our hearts seem to resist doing so.
Even Peter, a disciple of Jesus, felt something similar. Having heard Jesus previously teach that he should forgive he presses Him asking, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times” (Matt 18:21)? Surely there is a limit, and Peter wants to know exactly how many times he has to forgive.
While Peter probably assumed the number seven was gracious, Jesus responds, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven” (Matt 18:22). In answering this way, Jesus unveils Peter’s heart. He reveals that Peter’s motive to forgive is not love but duty.
With His response Jesus contrasts Peter’s stingy heart with God’s gracious heart. Unlike us, God does delight to forgive. Paul writes “For it was the Father’s good pleasure for all the fullness to dwell in Him, and through Him to reconcile all things to Himself, having made peace through the blood of His cross” (Col 1:19, 20b). Pardoning those who wronged Him brings God joy. And, as His children, He desires that we have hearts like His that don’t find forgiveness a burdensome task but a joyful opportunity (Eph 4:32).
But this does not make forgiveness easy or painless. Though God delighted to forgive us, the rebel race of image bearers, doing so cost Him. He would never experience Adam and Eve choosing Him instead of the fruit. He would never get back all the times you and I could have reflected His glory but chose our own instead. In deciding to forgive us, God bore the loss and paid the payment for our sins through the death of His Son (Col 2:13, 14). This is a cost greater than we will ever know.
And it is because Jesus has borne the sin of the world, paying off not only our debt but the debt of those who wronged us, we can move toward others with mercy. But we know our hearts. We know the pain of being overlooked, left out, ignored, betrayed, abandoned. And it just doesn’t feel right to grant mercy when we have hurt like that. Something, perhaps, we should do, but definitely not what we want to do. So how can we develop a heart that, like our gracious God, wants to forgive those who have wronged us?
While there are certainly other practices we can and should employ, I believe we ought to begin with prayer. Think of someone who has wronged you in some way, whether a neighbor, friend, colleague, boss, family member, and practice praying the following:
- Pray for a heart that delights in forgiving (Ezek 36:26). It is our hearts that desperately need changing, for it is from our hearts our motives and actions flow.
- Pray for the person who wronged you, hurt you, stole from you (Matt 5:44). Don’t just pray for revenge, but try interceding for them as you would a friend.
- Pray and meditate on the great mercy God had on you. Ponder the depth of your sin and the extent to which God has shown you grace. For those who are forgiven much love much (Lk 7:47).
Think now of how our families would be impacted if we happily gave grace for the joy of restored relationship. Or how our work places might be impacted if we willingly let go of grudges. Or how marriages might strengthen with such security in mercy. Imagine what kind of light Christians could shine if we become people who delight to forgive.
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